Friday, December 22, 2006

i just ate a current scone, and i swear i feel my ass growing. not a nice sensation...anyhow, i wanted some underpants for our cruise so we went to a mall in L.A. JCPennys was like some giant garage sale at the end of the day when the people having the garage sale start hauling everything and anything out to the side walk hoping to make some extra cash. pyramids of shiny, colorful bottles of gooey, goby stuff that looked like chain lube were stacked eye-high right in the entrance. piles of the stuff. it may have been bath soap, detergent, lip gel, antifreeze, who knows. but JC Pennys sure as heck wanted to move it. and all those rotating jewelry wheels, ladened with the sparkly junk i used to swipe when i was a kid. i'd hide the stuff in my room in a plastic bag because i didn't know what else to do with it until my mother found it and paraded it before my eyes asking, "what's this? where did you get this?" as if she hadn't seen all this crapolla when she told me to "wait right there and don't touch anything," at the pharmacy when she picked up her meds. i told Linda i'd only be "one minute. i'll run in and run out," which i should never have said. Linda's a very literal gal. you say "one minute" and she rotates the little wheel on her watch and gives you one minute. and there's no running in department stores at Christmas. There's full-body slams, side-ways shuffling, small child hurdling, definitely no running. i read somewhere that department stores are designed to disorient. i dunno, when i find myself muttering such things as "get me the fucking hell out of here," i'm maybe a little more than disoriented. and is there some unspoken rule that during the Christmas shopping period (which for me is roughly Dec 24th) if you pick up something only to discover that it's the wrong size, wrong color, wrong price that it's completely okay to chuck it into the air and let it fall wherever it lands? Hmm? anyhow, i found 4 pairs of underpants for $14 dollars and according to linda it took me 23 minutes.

11 comments:

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

bwwahahhaahaa

lauren said...

"underpants".

snl did a skit years ago when george w. came first came into office. i think it was will farrrel.

he was sitting in the oval office holding a teddy bear close, dressed in his suit saying "underpants" and snickering.

every time i hear "underpants" i think of george w.

i have to say underwears.

you're brave for going into jc penny. that place has always given me the creeps.

marscat said...

i'd like to see that skit.


i don't mind the word. it's better than panties.

lauren said...

i have a hard time with "panties" too.

and "morsel" and "mount".

those are all words that give me that chilly feeling like fingers on the chalkboard.

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

mount

morsel

panties



... i'm sorry, but that's just waaaaay too easy.

lauren said...

marscat, i just tagged you...

5 silly things...

Velo Bella said...

I love the word panties. And kept replacing it for "underpants" when i read your story to myself.

velogirl said...

I hate the word panties....prefer the word commando, myself.

So, here's one of my five tags. Does it count if it's a comment on someone else's blog?

I got caught shoplifting in 7th grade. Yeah, I'd been doing it forever, just for the thrill of the exploit. But this time I got caught. And my parents were in the store. I remember the security guard following me out of Fay's Drugs, placing a hand on my shoulder and asking me to go back into the store with him. I stole three Bonne Belle lip balms (the big ones flavored like fruit). I was going to give them to three friends for Christmas. My parent were furious and wouldn't let me go to the Christmas dance the next day even though we'd already gotten me a dress.

Shawn Kielty said...

Amen. It's scary out there.

Ippoc Amic said...

i like the blue ones...

Wild Dingo said...

marscat and catwon: send me your snail mail address. The dingo needs to send you something you requested!